Adjusting to my life with twins

Wow. It has been over a month since the boys have been home...and funny enough it has been a month since I last posted! It's been too crazy to find the time to blog, but hopefully I will get better at managing my time and will be able to post more.  I really do enjoy keeping an 'online journal'. 

I was supposed to return to work two days ago but things have changed.  While I was pregnant my manager suggested I bring the boys to work with me, and they would stay in the office with her and the pathologist.  I kept making sure she told the owner of the company and that he approved and she kept insisting everything was fine.  I even said that I needed it to be planned because I would not be able to find daycare last minute as I refuse to just drop my babies off anywhere.  Again, I was reassured it was fine.  My job was changing from Technician to the Supervisor and I would get an office space upstairs that would let me stay with Dayton and Reid.  We even had a meeting about it while the boys were in NICU.  This did NOT work out as planned.  About two weeks before I was supposed to return to work I was informed that I would not be able to bring the boys.  Then about one week before I was going to return I was told the position I was going to do would not even exist. I would have to be in the lab, 9-5:30, without my boys.  I KNEW this would happen last minute.  UGH. I was so irritated!!  The thought of looking for daycare for my boys, who were not even supposed to be born yet, killed me.  I couldn't do it.  As of right now, I will have an at home position with them making close to what I made before.  However, based on my experience, I'm sure it will change 500 times by the time I start.

I was really sad at first about not returning to the lab.  I have been there almost two years, and when I started, that department consisted of me and the pathologist/medical director.  I have worked very hard and a few of them have become like family to me.  I was able to have my friend hired as my lab aide, and I loved working with her everyday.  While getting ready to leave for bed rest, my other friend came in and started training for my job.  Now, it feels like I'm left behind, and it isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way it is.  When I see them thanking each other for their hard work that day on facebook, or when the pathologist comes over for dinner and talks about what is going on at the lab I miss it.  My job was a huge part of my life and I just had to hand it all over and walk away.  But then, when I get to be with my babies all day, and when I hear about the stress going on at work, I know I made the right decision.  It was just one of many sacrifices I will have to make as a mother, and I am more than OK with it.

Diapers. Holy Hell!!! I go through SO MANY DIAPERS! I have been thinking about using the cloth diapers, but I'm hesitant to use them with twins.  I need to do some more research and see what all is out there and talk to some people who are already doing it. Is it worth it? Anyone?  It would definitely save us a lot of money, I'm just not sure I have the time to keep rewashing them. 


The boys are eating every 3 hours still.  Even though they are over two months, they are technically two weeks old.  They have their actual age and their adjusted age.  Actual age right now is 10 1/2 weeks and their adjusted age is 1 1/2 weeks.  Feedings have not gone as planned. I was determined to breast feed exclusively.  Ummm not so much. It is very difficult.  Up until recently they were not latching well because they were so premature. I have noticed that their latches have improved but they don't stay on very long.  I'm lucky if I can get them to nurse more than 10 minutes.  I'm still determined to make it work though.  I will be going to a breast feeding class at the hospital once a week starting Tuesday with a girl I met while I was at the NICU.  She has twin girls, and was in that class.  We were introduced, and she has even come over to our house.  I'm pretty stoked about it.  The other reason I am not breast feeding exclusively is that it is hard for me to find the time in the day to work with them. I will definitely need to improve that.  If I could cut all this pumping and washing bottles out of my day it would be AWESOME.  Right now I am pumping, then preparing bottles with the milk, then feeding, then washing all the bottles and pump accessories.  Sheesh!  I am also adding in some formula with the breast milk for extra calories and because I'm having a hard time staying ahead of them.  It's pretty challenging making sure I am producing as much as two growing babies need. So far, so good, but if they need to eat more soon I'm not sure I will be able to produce enough. 

Nik has been a HUGE help and a wonderful father.  He takes the 4am and 7am feedings on the weekends so I can sleep. It is AWESOME! He is so hands on and so loving with them.  He takes care of them, and me when I need it.  Watching him hold the boys in the evenings when he comes from work is great.  We put both of them on his chest and they pass out. It's adorable. They have such a good father.



Dayton and Reid have acid reflux.  It is really tough trying to get this under control.  They do a lot of crying, vomiting, arching their backs, and gagging/coughing.  I kept being told that they had stomach aches because of how they were acting and because they are passing a lot of gas.  I have tried gas drops and colic calm, switching formulas to supplement with my breast milk, cutting out green leafy vegetables, etc.  After speaking with my pediatrician and doing tons of research on acid reflux in infants, I think that is the cause for the pain, not a stomach issue.  The acid reflux can actually cause gas in the intestines which makes it appear as a stomach ache.  Right now we are trying out Similac Alimentum.... and it seems OK, but at $30/can and for two babies... that's about $600/month for what they are eating now!! That is just not doable for us.  I am going to attend a mommy and me class tomorrow and I am going to ask a ton of questions about ways to make my breast milk work for them.  It's the healthiest thing for them, and it's free!  Dealing with the acid reflux is so hard because I feel like they dealt with their share of pain while in the NICU.  They shouldn't have to keep feeling pain.

One thing I have found hard to deal with is the issue of feeling like everyone is telling you what to do.  Not making suggestions and letting you decide, but telling you what you need to do.  I understand that a lot of people I know are moms, and with being a mom comes experience, but every baby is different.  New moms need advise and help, they don't need to feel incompetent.  I need to be able to feel like I am capable of making good decisions for them. I need to be able to soothe my baby when he is crying. I need to bond with them.  This is all challenging when you have multiples. 

Dayton smiled at me for the first time yesterday. It was so adorable. Those lil dudes sure know how to melt my heart!



First week with the twins home!

Wow, this week has been insane!  I KNEW it was going to be challenging having the twins home, but I didn't know it would be THIS challenging.  Even the simplest task of changing diapers takes longer than I thought, and my bed, body, and babies have been peed on so many times!

Reid passed his car seat test on Friday, June 14, and came home that night.  I bawled in the NICU when we picked Reid up because I felt I was leaving Dayton behind.  The baby that fought to be here was being left alone in the NICU, without his brother and with limited visiting time from mommy and daddy. It broke my heart. Luckily, I was still able to see him twice a day until he came home.

Nik carrying Reid out of the hospital

Sitting in the back with Reid after bawling about leaving Dayton

The night that Reid came home, I was so nervous.  Here was this tiny baby, not hooked up to any monitors, relying on his immature lungs to do their job.  I sat in bed and stared at him breathing for a while before I was able to fall asleep.  Nik was convinced he would stay awake and watch him breath while I slept, but he was soon passed out.  Which is good, because we were up every 2-3 hours for feedings.  He did great that night!
In the morning I woke up, looked over at him in the co-sleeper, and scooped him up. I laid in bed and held him until his feeding time. That was something I was not able to do while they were in NICU. I was used to waking up, getting dressed, and driving to see him. Now he was in my arms minutes after waking up :) Wow, what a feeling!

Holding Reid in the morning

Since it was the weekend, I had Nik here to help so I could go see Dayton.  The following Sunday was Father's Day, So I stayed home with Reid for a bit while Nik went to go visit Dayton.  Also, Reid was introduced to a Spurs game with Nik that day while I went to feed Dayton that evening.  So precious to see Nik and Reid hanging out on the couch together.

Monday was a big day for us.  Reid had his first pediatrician appointment and Dayton was getting his car seat test again.  My friend Shawna came over at 7:15 am just to help me get ready and get Reid into his car seat (which proved to be more difficult than we thought!).  She sat in the back seat of the car with Reid while I drove in the pouring rain, on the verge of throwing up because I was so nervous.  I kept asking Shawna "is he still breathing? Does he look ok??" Haha.  His appointment went well, and he was a whopping 5 lbs! Reid farted all over the pediatrician, and then pooped when he was stripped down being examined. That's my boy!

When I came home with Reid, I decided to call the NICU to see when they were planning on doing Dayton's car seat test.  The nurse said it had already been done and my heart stopped. He passed 'with flying colors!'  My baby was coming home that day to complete our family!!! I was so excited!

Monday evening my friend Shawna came over to babysit Reid while Nik and I went to pick up Dayton from NICU.  I couldn't believe I wouldn't be driving back and forth to the hospital anymore or that I wouldn't be seeing these nurses who have become my friends.  I saw those nurses more than anyone else, and it was bittersweet.  When we brought Dayton home, Nik and I both took turns holding them at the same time. Our hearts were full :)

Dayton coming home!!

I decided to co-sleep the twins in the co-sleeper next to my bed. I swaddled them both tightly so they wouldn't whack each other during the night. Again, I woke up many times to see if they were breathing.  That night was challenging.  Nik and I woke up with every feeding. We were so tired the next day.

  Tuesday I decided to give them a bath, and by the time it was over I was crying harder than the babies were.  After I had bathed Reid and wrapped him in the towel, he let out a massive poop. It was smeared all over the towel, and all over his clean body! Back into the tub he went.  I was getting frustrated during the baths, I was nervous of them slipping out of my hand, I was nervous they were too cold, etc. I need to learn to relax!  I felt like I was on edge all day and that I wasn't being a great mom. I was just surviving.  And that is how my entire week has gone. I have just been trying to survive.  The boys are not breast feeding as well as I had hoped, either.  They can latch on, but about 10 minutes into it they start falling asleep and refuse to take anymore.  I have to supplement with a bottle afterwards, which is double the work. 

My mom has come up here everyday this week. Thank God for that! Being a new mom is scary enough, but being a new mom with twins is terrifying. And exhausting. So exhausting!  I haven't been out of the house except to pediatrician appointments, I haven't been in the sun AT ALL which is depressing, and I'm lucky if I manage to get a pair of pants on by the evening time.  The boys eat every 3 hours, and by the time I feed them, change diapers, swaddle them, and put them down I only have a short amount of time left until their next feeding. Oh. My. God.

The good thing is I finally found a method of bottle feeding them at the same time that doesn't leave me in tears by the end of it.  I place them each in a boppy with a towel wadded up under neath them because they are so small they fall through.  Then I sit in front of them and hold a bottle in each hand.  I have to stop feeding both of them when one burps, and when one decides to throw up everywhere, its chaos.

I need more hands

 I still haven't mastered the tandem breast feeding while alone yet.  I think they need to grow a bit more before I get that down.  Their heads are so tiny that I have to hold them up, and after about 10 minutes my arms begin to shake. Hopefully this will work itself out soon.

I admit I have had some evenings when Nik gets home where I start crying because I feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be.  I had daydreamed about having time in the day to take photographs of them, and that I would dress them all cute.  In reality I snap a picture with my phone randomly and throw on any onesie I can find that isn't covered in vomit or pee. I've had friends call and I leave them with empty promises that I will call them back. I hate being flaky, but I just don't have the time or the mental stamina by the end of the day to hold a conversation.  I fear that soon I will lose all of my vocabulary except for the following:  poopsies, oh my god, I'm so tired, hold on baby I'm coming!, I'm going as fast as I can, and I forgot to eat!.  On top of all the chaos from the babies, my three dogs are so neglected.  They are used to me loving on them all day and playing fetch and cuddling.  Since the boys have been home the dogs aren't allowed in our room anymore, and fetch time is soooo limited.  The dogs have adjusted so well. I'm very proud of them.  I feel like I have FIVE babies at home, not two!

Even at the end of days where I want to cry and I feel overwhelmed, I see something like this (see below) and my heart melts. It is worth every chaotic minute.

New info about delivery.... and why Reid still isn't home

This week has been a rollercoaster ride! So many ups and downs...
Nik and I were told that both boys would be coming home Wednesday, but Dayton failed his car seat test for the third time. So, we thought Reid was coming home Wednesday. Tuesday night I was thinking all about how my daily routine was about to change again. I made Reid's pediatric appointment for Friday, and had arranged for a friend to come with me.

In the NICU on Tuesday night we were doing the normal feedings.  Reid had started choking a bit on the milk and then his monitor started alarming. I pulled him off and quickly handed him to Nik since I still had Dayton on.  His heart rate dropped really low, and he looked pretty red.  The nurses ran in and said he was "dusky" colored, and they would watch him closely during the night.  He had already passed his 90 minute car seat test and was going to be released to us the following day.  His nurse for the night, who we love, had decided to redo his car seat test during the night after Nik and I left.  She was positive he would pass again, but he didn't.  When I walked into the NICU Wednesday morning I thought I would be leaving that night with one of my babies.  Instead, the nurse practitioner who was there said "how mad would you be if I told you Reid can't go home with you today?"  I just kept walking and started crying until I reached his bed. A couple nurses came over and tried to console me, and some were saying "he was just telling us he is too early to go home." Then, there was a note that the nurse had written to Nik and I. It was an apology letter. She said that she retested Reid just to make sure he was ready because he had the episode during feeding and that now Reid may not be coming home. She said she hoped I wouldn't be mad at her. 

OK, here's the thing. We love those nurses. They are a big reason my boys are doing as well as they are.  She was just making sure he was ready. He wasn't. I would NEVER push for them to come home before they were ready.  I want what is best for my boys. End of Story.  I was crying because I had gotten my hopes up.  This entire time I have taken one day at a time. I had my mind set to just take it day by day, and not get my hopes up. Every feeding, every dirty diaper, every alarm on the monitor... taken day by day. But I let myself get carried away. That is why I cried. We are forever in debt to the nurses and doctors there. I would never be mad for someone thinking about my babies before my feelings. She did the right thing.

The doctor spoke to me that morning about a new plan. He said Reid was going to watched closely for another episode until Friday.  Then in the same conversation he mentioned Monday. I didn't ask him to pick a day because I didn't want to repeat what already happened. I may or may not be picking Reid up tomorrow, Friday. I may or may not have him Monday. Dayton may or may not pass his car seat test Monday. Who knows. Babies are unpredictable, and they will come home with us eventually... on their own schedule. This will still probably be lots of crying, but that's okay :)

Today I was in the NICU and the NP who was in charge of Reid during my delivery was there.  She was also the one that trained Nik and I on CPR this week.  She always comments on my boys, and I can tell they have a special spot in her heart. She was the one praying during my delivery, or so I have heard :) 
 She said Reid cried once, then stopped.  He wasn't doing TOO badly, but he needed some help.   He was intubated and then given surfactant, then he started doing most of the breathing himself. Wow, so much strength wrapped into just 3 pounds!!
Then, I asked her about Dayton. I verified that he didn't cry at all. Her eyes got big when I asked her this and she said "Honey, he wasn't crying or breathing, and he was given CPR immediately.  He had no heartbeat!" WOW. WOW. That's all I could think. She said she didn't know what my beliefs were, but that in my OR she knew God intervened that night.  I had no idea that my little Dayton had to be 'brought back'. I just thought we were on the verge of losing him. What a fighter that boy is.  How did I get so lucky to have babies so strong?? I am so proud that these little ones are mine.  They are so special. They will never be taken for granted.



Starting Week 5 in NICU- Mixed Feelings...

Dayton has now failed his car seat test three times.  Reid passed his second one and is now cleared to come home tomorrow, Wednesday June 12.  Dayton had three chances to pass his car seat test, which they did every 24 hrs.  Now they will do it again in three days.  If he fails that one too, they will wait 5-8 days.  I feel like it could take a month to get this finished.  I am SO SO SO excited to have my little Reid home, but I am so sad to leave Dayton in the NICU.  It is going to be a challenge for me to leave Reid at home with someone so that I can go to the NICU to spend time with Dayton.  It breaks my heart and is causing much anxiety.  I don't want them to be apart, and I don't want to only have the option of leaving a baby no matter where I am.  I can't wait to get them home together so we can start our family routine.

My dad is coming home from leave on June 24, and I'm a little nervous Dayton won't be home by them.  It was so important to me to have both boys home when my dad came. This entire pregnancy and birth has not gone like I thought it would.  I wonder how long it will take me to learn that I cannot plan things like this.

The thing that upsets me is that I was mentally prepared to have the babies in the NICU until their due date.  I was doing such a good job at taking it one day at a time.  Then the Dr and nurses started talking about how the boys would be home soon, and then they gave me a day. Now it's like they got my hopes up.  I don't even want to believe Reid is coming home until I have him in the car seat and we are walking out the door.
It's not anyones fault, this is part of the journey and Dayton is just having a set back. I knew this could happen. The NICU staff has been great.  They are a part of Daytons and Reid family and support system. I made the right choice when I decided to deliver at this hospital.

I'll keep updates on the boys, especially Dayton's next test.

Preparing to come home from NICU

There are a number of tests the boys must pass before they come home.  There are also a number of tests mommy and daddy must pass before the boys come home as well.  Nik and I took the CPR training class yesterday, and brought the car seats up to the NICU so the boys can be tested whether or not they can handle it. 
When I got to NICU this morning, Dayton had been given his hearing test already and he failed in one ear.  The Dr said this was common in preemies and sometimes it takes two to three tries to prove he can hear out of both ears.  As of this morning Reid had not been given his hearing test yet.
Also, they were given the 'car seat' test and both failed :( Their oxygen saturation levels kept dropping into the mid 80s, and they cannot be released until they can pass that test.  The staff will try again tomorrow, and again we were told this is common.  It can take two to three tries before they can prove that they can handle it.  It could be from position of their neck, if they had gas in their airways, how soon after eating they were sat up, or of they kept moving their foot that had the cuff on it.  I'm hoping they pass it tomorrow. I want them home so badly, but at the same time I don't want them home too early. I hope they are ready and strong enough!
Even with the car seat setback, everyone keeps saying they will still be coming home Wednesday.  I think everyone feels that they will pass before then. I sure hope so!
 I have their pediatrician appointment set up for Friday AM, and am a little anxious about our first trek out into the world. Nik will be at work, so a friend of mine will come help me out.  I have the best friends and family!!  Everyone has given us so much support, and it's like Reid and Dayton have their own little fan club.  We are so lucky. I will definitely post an update as soon as the hearing tests and car seat tests have been re-done.  Cross your fingers!

Week 3-4 NICU and Updates

So this last week has been great!  The boys started out getting 8 tube feedings a day.  Then they were only given 6 through a tube and 2 through breast feeding.  After two days of that, they were switched to ALL breast/bottle feedings and NO tube feedings! That was the second to the last step before they were allowed to be considered for discharge.  Starting yesterday, the tops on their cribs were lifted to see if the boys could maintain their own temperature... and they did!  Last night they were put in their car seats for an hour to make sure they can tolerate it.  I will find out this morning how they did.  If everything goes well, they will be discharged WEDNESDAY and will be coming home!!! I am so excited and nervous!!!  We will definitely miss the NICU nurses, they have become part of their family.  The nurses know their little personalities, and have created a bond with each of them.  I will definitely be sending them pictures as they grow up :) 
Also, Nik got a job! Perfect timing!  Things this week have finally started looking up and coming together.  Sometimes I feel as if things just don't go our way, and horrible things happen at the worse times.  But Nik reminded me that we always come out on top when it's over, and he's right.  I had a rough pregnancy and the boys had a harsh introduction into the world, but they have overcome it and are doing great.  Nik was laid off while I was pregnant and on bed rest, but thanks to family we were supported through the hard times, and now he doesn't work for a company with a toxic environment (hopefully!). 
This last week we had a lot of new visitors!

 

Kristi and Dayton

 

Kristi and Reid

 

Angela and Reid

 

Angela and Dayton

 

Mike and Reid

 

The boys have been gaining weight and have definitely been helping Nik and I get used to changing our fair share of dirty diapers.  Dayton is able to wear most newborn sized clothing, while Reid is still wearing the preemie sizes.  This is probably the last post that has to do with them just "chilling out" in the NICU... the rest should be about their journey as they get ready to come home with mommy and daddy!!

Second time for the boys to be together again!

After feedings tonight we decided to put both babies on the boppy together.  They were definitely aware of each other! It was adorable. 

 

June 3, 2013... Update & Feelings...

Nik and I just got home from our first of three visits to the NICU.  It was decided yesterday that we would increase their breast/bottle feedings from two times a day to three times a day.  The Dr. thinks they might be too tired for their last feeding because of this increase, but it's worth a try.  You never know what babies are capable of unless you push them a little bit harder than the day before.  This morning Dayton didn't nurse very well.  He was very fussy and agitated.  After attempting to nurse, he got his bottle and finished the entire feeding.  He also let out some pretty impressive burps!

Here is Nik burping Dayton last night

Dayton is suffering from a really, really bad diaper rash and yeast infection.  The yeast infection looks like it is under control, but the diaper rash is awful.  He has two open sores on each side of his bum, and every time we change his diaper and have to wipe, he screams and cries.  And there goes my heart...breaking.  He also poops non stop, and we usually end up going through three or four diapers at a time.  Again, the more he poops, the worse the diaper rash gets and the more painful it is. Poor little guy :(

Reid nursed very well this morning, and also finished his entire bottle.  He is now in the 4 lb range!! We keep telling Dayton that if he doesn't gain more weight his brother is going to pass him up.  Oh, and Reid farted on daddy multiple times while he was changing his diaper.  That's my boy :)

When Dayton was crying while we were trying to nurse, I think it was his tummy getting upset.  There's nothing more rewarding than when my baby cries and I can calm him down just my holding him against my skin and talking to him.  He stopped crying and crinkled up his brows and looked right up at me.  I'm pretty sure that being a mommy is the best. thing. ever.

I'm hoping the boys can come home in about 4 weeks or so.  The last baby in NICU is being discharged today.  While I am happy for his parents, I am also very sad for myself.  I try not to think about it, and I try to be in a chipper mood most of the time, but underneath it all I am jealous.  My babies were born three weeks ago and yet I have no idea what it's like to wake up to a hungry baby or to walk and hold a baby at the same time.  I don't even know what it's like to hold a baby that isn't tangled in cords.  I know I have to be patient, but it is getting so damn hard.

My house is not ready for babies!  I was put on bed rest and was not allowed to nest.  Now that I have had the babies, I am still recovering from my surgery and when I am not at home pumping or trying to get some sleep I am at the NICU.  I see all the things in my house I want to organize, scrub, and clean but I can't find the time or energy to do it.  It's causing me to be a little anxious, but I am trying to prioritize and that is not at the top of the list. Oh well, I hear that it is impossible to keep a clean house with twins, anyway, so maybe I should just get used to it now. Grrr.

I also feel guilt. A lot of guilt. I don't understand why I couldn't carry my babies longer than 31 weeks. I feel guilty that the other baby from the car accident didn't survive but both of my babies did.  I feel guilty for neglecting my dogs. I feel guilty for not having the cleanest house. So much guilt.  I hope it goes away in time, and it is nice to write about it. 
I know it sounds like I am only feeling negative things so I will touch on some other emotions I am experiencing.  PRIDE. I am SOOOOO proud of my boys.  They are impressing everyone, even the NICU Dr.  I would be 34 weeks pregnant Wednesday, but here are my boys breastfeeding twice a day, burping, cooing, pooping and peeing (on everyone and everything), sucking on pacifiers, and kicking off blankets when their feet are tucked in too tight.  That is amazing to me.  I feel so lucky to be their mom.

Reid Thomas Stokes: Weeks 1-3 in NICU

Reid Thomas Stokes

May 15, 2013 to June 2, 2013

Below:  Daddy feeding Reid through his feeding tube

 Below: Such a strong grip for a tiny person

 Below: Two photos- Holding Reid for the first time

 Below: Daddy changing Reid's diaper