June 3, 2013... Update & Feelings...

Nik and I just got home from our first of three visits to the NICU.  It was decided yesterday that we would increase their breast/bottle feedings from two times a day to three times a day.  The Dr. thinks they might be too tired for their last feeding because of this increase, but it's worth a try.  You never know what babies are capable of unless you push them a little bit harder than the day before.  This morning Dayton didn't nurse very well.  He was very fussy and agitated.  After attempting to nurse, he got his bottle and finished the entire feeding.  He also let out some pretty impressive burps!

Here is Nik burping Dayton last night

Dayton is suffering from a really, really bad diaper rash and yeast infection.  The yeast infection looks like it is under control, but the diaper rash is awful.  He has two open sores on each side of his bum, and every time we change his diaper and have to wipe, he screams and cries.  And there goes my heart...breaking.  He also poops non stop, and we usually end up going through three or four diapers at a time.  Again, the more he poops, the worse the diaper rash gets and the more painful it is. Poor little guy :(

Reid nursed very well this morning, and also finished his entire bottle.  He is now in the 4 lb range!! We keep telling Dayton that if he doesn't gain more weight his brother is going to pass him up.  Oh, and Reid farted on daddy multiple times while he was changing his diaper.  That's my boy :)

When Dayton was crying while we were trying to nurse, I think it was his tummy getting upset.  There's nothing more rewarding than when my baby cries and I can calm him down just my holding him against my skin and talking to him.  He stopped crying and crinkled up his brows and looked right up at me.  I'm pretty sure that being a mommy is the best. thing. ever.

I'm hoping the boys can come home in about 4 weeks or so.  The last baby in NICU is being discharged today.  While I am happy for his parents, I am also very sad for myself.  I try not to think about it, and I try to be in a chipper mood most of the time, but underneath it all I am jealous.  My babies were born three weeks ago and yet I have no idea what it's like to wake up to a hungry baby or to walk and hold a baby at the same time.  I don't even know what it's like to hold a baby that isn't tangled in cords.  I know I have to be patient, but it is getting so damn hard.

My house is not ready for babies!  I was put on bed rest and was not allowed to nest.  Now that I have had the babies, I am still recovering from my surgery and when I am not at home pumping or trying to get some sleep I am at the NICU.  I see all the things in my house I want to organize, scrub, and clean but I can't find the time or energy to do it.  It's causing me to be a little anxious, but I am trying to prioritize and that is not at the top of the list. Oh well, I hear that it is impossible to keep a clean house with twins, anyway, so maybe I should just get used to it now. Grrr.

I also feel guilt. A lot of guilt. I don't understand why I couldn't carry my babies longer than 31 weeks. I feel guilty that the other baby from the car accident didn't survive but both of my babies did.  I feel guilty for neglecting my dogs. I feel guilty for not having the cleanest house. So much guilt.  I hope it goes away in time, and it is nice to write about it. 
I know it sounds like I am only feeling negative things so I will touch on some other emotions I am experiencing.  PRIDE. I am SOOOOO proud of my boys.  They are impressing everyone, even the NICU Dr.  I would be 34 weeks pregnant Wednesday, but here are my boys breastfeeding twice a day, burping, cooing, pooping and peeing (on everyone and everything), sucking on pacifiers, and kicking off blankets when their feet are tucked in too tight.  That is amazing to me.  I feel so lucky to be their mom.